Before I Go

I’m sorry in the end we couldn’t make amends

I pray one day soon that I can take it in

And come away with life lessons like breaking skin,

On my way to self-forgiveness, forgive me I’m late again

I swear I’m trying to be more optimistic

Even when it seems like life is stacking odds against it

Learning to love myself was the hardest thing I’ve ever done

Comparison is a thief, robbing peace, always on the run

Empathy is underrated and the same goes for patience

I lack a bit of both so I ask you to be patient

I can’t believe you left me here, this is the second year

I’ve been a wreck of tears, I guess I reckon fear,

Is why I haven’t visited you sooner despite you deserving it

Seeing your grave just makes it all the more permanent

And I’m hurting because the planet just keeps on spinning

While my world ended, troublesome thoughts swimming,

Doing laps and damaging my mental state

I see my health declining, reminded you’re in a special place

You gave me my taste in music, healed my scrapes and bruises

Through conversations, had my head on straight, made sure I used it

Taught me to be kind and be flexible with my perspective

Under your wing, despite the trouble I bring, I knew I was protected 

I know I haven’t lived enough but I feel like giving up,

Because you’re gone and lately my decisions suck

Losing sleep like all my jobs consistent

But I promise I’m still trying to be fucking optimistic

I miss you, I’m messed up, I have issues

My chest caved in when I had to lift you

A part of me lay in that coffin with you

Remember you were the one that I would vent to

Shit me too, I hope your rest is peaceful

Surviving just to please you, smiling cause I need to

You were always stronger than me, calm as could be

I really thought you would live longer than me

I took our relationship for granted and now I’m stranded

Trying not to panic but I can barely manage

I’m shaking from anxiety, I hated when you lied to me

And now nothing is as blatant as the irony

It’s the fucking truth that truly set you free

No matter what though I’d rather have you next to me

I don’t care that you were imperfect, I care that now I’m searching,

For an impossible solution to replace a missing person

Wishing words could bring you back, my tears are turning into sap

I’m hurting for you bad, death is for certain that’s a fact

I’m moving on without you, need a change of scenery

You believed in me, never got to tell you what you mean to me

I couldn’t face you I was terrified but to hell with it

No more selfishness, I knew I needed to tell you this,

Before I go.

When it was my turn, glad your respect is what I earned

Regrets had me looking back at bridges that I burned

I wish you visited more but I can’t blame you

I distanced myself and this is what it came to

I had things to tell you that I didn’t and it’s hitting me

Because I thought that you might look at me differently

I was powerless, forgive me for my cowardice

I planned to but I ran through every reason out of it

I was stealing clothing and blankets just to get by

Back when I was homeless and couch surfing I can’t lie

I was robbing those who had opened up their homes

Taking shit I didn’t need out of jealousy I suppose

That includes you, hope you still view me like you used to

I was saving money to pay you back, more than I used too

The guilt ate my life and I wanted to make it right

Was disappointed in myself and just couldn’t break the ice

Thought I had more time so I saved my feelings for tomorrow

The last grain of sand fell down the hourglass I borrowed

Sorrow for my dreams that died in their sleep

But part of me has to breathe a sigh of relief

No more of life’s pressures grinding down my milestones

The good, bad and the ugly, my closet compiled bones

Let me rest and put my spirit back into Earth

I feel no more pain, if I could go back in reverse

I’d probably fuck it up worse, so I find comfort in dirt,

Cause to continue reflecting is more trouble than worth

So here’s some words of wisdom from someone that never lived ‘em

We’ll catch up when you get here but promise me you’ll listen

Make the most of the time you have because it’s all you get

I’m happy you’re being positive, every wall you hit

Should be a pile of bricks, you can build from it

Fight to live another day, you should kill for this

Don’t you dare give up because shit ain’t fair enough

Or we’ll be squaring up, lift your head and bare the brunt

But don’t be scared to ask for help from friends and family

Speak candidly, say “I love you” even when you can’t agree

Keep your moral integrity even when your opinions alter

Make sure to own up to every mistake when you falter

Set an example to those around you, I know you’re bound to

You’ll thank me later when good people surround you

Go ahead and cry when you miss me the most

Envision me close, know we all live with these ghosts

Acceptance is key, despair is a pit, I swear it’s a bitch

I can only give a guide, you decide how it is the narrative fits

You’re loved and appreciated, I promise I never deviated

Your memory I’ll keep it sacred, finally my peace you gave it

I’ll be watching over you, rooting for your success

Patiently waiting for us to regroup beyond the flesh

I’m moving on without you, glad you came to speak with me

I say this easily, don’t let your love of life compete with me

Take care of yourself, I bid you farewell with this

Didn’t want any more elephants so I had to tell you this,

Before I go.